She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I have an issue, and I can't seem to figure out what I want to do.

So I'll give some back story. I've known this girl since I was a kid, on and off due to moving, etc. I saw her on nights out but never had the stomach to make a move. One night, I decided to speak to her, and we hit it off, and we went on a date.

That first date had that movie-style boom-click feeling the whole time. We had gone out separately and decided to meet up whilst out. We danced together, and it was just like the people, the music, everything disappeared around us, and it was just us. She mentioned this to me before I’d said anything about how it felt, so it was definitely mutual.

Now for the situation I've never been in. So I was dating this girl, and it had that spark from day one. We loved being in each other's company and got to spend nearly every day together when we could. She has two kids, so we had to work around that. 

Everything was going well. Then, she one day said she wasn't sure she wanted to be in a relationship anymore, which came as a shock to me. 

So I accepted that, and we went our separate ways. I found out she'd gotten back with her ex, who she was on and off with for three years. I was gutted about it. But two weeks after we'd split and she'd been with him, she got in touch stating she'd made a mistake and after going back, she wanted me, etc. Anyway, I had my doubts but thought maybe yea just the one mistake is something I can work with. 

Then a month later, the same thing happened. Out of the blue, she ended things after being 100% positive about everything. Also, she started counseling two months ago, and we've been apart for three months.

Then I met someone, and it's been going well. We’ve had four dates, and she seems really nice, but there isn't that spark-boom factor. I'm happy with her, but it's not the same.

Now the first girl has come back, deleting her ex from social media and her phone, blocking him as a gesture to show she's as serious as she's stated. She's even been trying to meet up and do stuff together. 

The issue I have is I'm sitting on one side thinking I'm seeing someone nice who doesn't seem to have any hangups, and I already gave my ex a second chance, and it was wasted. 

But at the same time, I'm sitting here wanting nothing more than to go over there, hug her, and just say, “prove to me I can trust you.” 

The outcome seems obvious. I know outside looking in is easier said than done when the feelings are different. Anyway, not sure if you can give some help but would be grateful for someone I don't know personally to give an opinion. I don't want it biased. 

Thanks.

A.

Here’s the thing. 

I could list all the reasons why neither one of these women is the “one,” why you should save yourself the heartache and time, and find someone who both gives you the spark and is capable of a healthy relationship.

But sometimes knowing that, learning that, comes from finding it out yourself. Nothing I or anyone else says will really convince you. 

Sure, your ex may have figured things out and is ready to give her all to a relationship with you. However, in my experience, patterns like this are likely to repeat. How do I know? I have been HER. I have been the indecisive one, the one pining for the relationship I wasn’t in. I hurt a lot of people, including myself. 

When it comes to the new relationship, if you’re not feeling big romance here, be clear about where you’re at, with her and yourself. 

Regardless of what you end up deciding about your ex, don’t kill time with her, allowing her to think you’re all in if you’re not. Granted, it’s still pretty new, and it doesn’t sound like you are at the commitment stage yet. If and when you get there, be honest and respectful about your feelings. No good will come of you repeating what your ex did to you.  

I am fairly sure that you want to give it another try with your ex. Even without the history you share with her, opening up, sharing emotional intimacy with someone always carries the risk that you might get your heartbroken. So, who’s to say if you’re at any greater risk here. 

What you’re really seeking is someone to give you permission to try things with your ex again. 

You don’t need my permission. If that’s where your heart wants to go, go. 

If things work out, you will be happy you did. And if they don’t, then perhaps you can finally close that door and move forward.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Bloodstone, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO