She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

CN: sex acts & consent 

Q.

Hey Erin,

I had a girlfriend, but we broke up two days ago. 

We still talk, and I don't believe this incident caused our breakup, but I feel awful about this and am curious about what happened. 

We were having sex a couple of nights ago. We had sex four times. The second time after we had sex, I told her we shouldn’t have sex high because I probably wouldn’t be able to tell when I came. 

She seemed very calm about it and asked, “Did you cum?” 

I said, “I'm positive I didn't.” 

She said, “It’s alright, you just have to let me know, yes or no.” 

I told her no. We continued with our night. We then had sex our fourth time that night. She was on top of me, and I felt like I was going to finish. I didn’t announce anything. I was lost in thought until it happened. I immediately snapped and told her to get off of me. 

I told her I was so sorry that I didn’t announce it and asked her if she was okay. She calmed me down and kissed me, and said it was more than okay. She said she wasn’t expecting it but was perfectly fine with it. So we continued our night, but I felt extremely guilty the next day.

She told me in the following days that it was really okay and that I shouldn't feel guilty at all, and that she was okay with it then and still okay with it now. I asked if it felt as if I had breached her consent, and she said, “not to me.”

My question is, am I a rapist or something under that umbrella?

A. 

A wonderful thing that sprang from the #MeToo movement and the conversation around consent over the past few years is that I get many emails from folks (mostly men) questioning their behavior. Some of them committed major transgressions.

Some of them, like you, reexamined more minor missteps, ones that might be labeled microaggressions, ones that seem innocuous enough on the surface but add up, reinforcing how we devalue and discard the body autonomy of others (usually young women). 

We need to have these conversations; nothing will change without them. So it is a good thing that I continue getting these emails. This means that people are much more aware of how they may be inadvertently crossing boundaries (and much more willing to confront it). 

Your question is interesting because your ex-girlfriend repeatedly assured you that she didn’t feel like you had breached consent with her. So taking what she’s told you again and again at face value, I would believe her. However, there’s more to consider here. 

Despite her assurances, you feel that you crossed some line here, and that’s worth noting. 

I don’t think you are a rapist, based on this situation. I don’t believe this is the same as stealthing—when a person uses a condom and sneakily takes it off during sex without consent or knowledge from their partner. BUT…

Maybe the lesson here is that you should be using condoms. Maybe the lesson is that having sex while high is risky. Maybe the lesson is that some part of you knew you should stop, should pull out, but you got caught up in the moment and didn’t stop. So, again, wear a condom. It eliminates the stealthy semen problem altogether. 

Moving forward with your next partner, have some discussions around consent beforehand, and a quick check-in for consent during sex is responsible, respectful, and sexy. 

You don’t like the way this made you feel. So avoid it in the future by remembering a few simple steps: Talk, confirm consent, use condoms. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Wavellite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez