She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I'm in a very serious relationship with a married man. 

At least on my side, it's serious. And I think he's serious. 

I don't know that we meant it to be this deep. We work together, of course. I have since moved to another department. 

Anyway, I am single, and he has been married for 13 years. His wife is abusive and is an addict/alcoholic. The thing is, I am too, but I have been sober for over five years. But, being so, it gives me some insight into how she probably feels. And I feel horrible, but usually, my feelings for him override anything I could feel for a woman I don't know who abuses the man I love. 

He tells me all the time that he wants to be with me "one day.” 

I don't have the courage to ask him what this means. Part of me feels like I'm wasting my life. We have been together for almost two years now. 

I always tell myself, today is the day I'll ask him these serious questions, but then my fear wins out—my fear of losing him, my fear of being too complicated, fear of him not taking care of me in so many ways anymore. I feel like that's what I am to him: uncomplicated, easy, pretty, and easy to leave so he can go back to his real life.

I am also bipolar, BPD, among other things... and I know in the back of my mind this started in a manic episode two years ago and turned into this huge serious thing. 

I'm so scared of letting go because I know the low that will come if I lose him. 

I feel like I am talking in circles, trying to fit a huge thing into a small explanation. I just can't talk to anyone that I know about this, even though I'm pretty sure my best friend knows. 

I'm scared, and I need help. 

Thanks, I'm about to order your book as I'm sure I'll relate.

A. 

First, this is a no-judgment zone. His marriage is not your responsibility. That doesn’t mean you ignore that it exists, but that mess is for him to contend with. 

I understand much of what you’re feeling here. I’ve been in that spot—in a relationship with someone that wasn’t available for one reason or another, a relationship I entered impulsively. 

What struck me most about your email was this: “I’m so scared of letting go because I know the low that will come if I lose him.”

I was someone who both feared and chased that low for many years, even in recovery. There’s something that I did, and I see other people do, where we pursue impossible relationships because we either want to know they will fail because the stakes are lower, or we are so used to feeling like crap that we subconsciously put ourselves in situations that reinforce that. Maybe that’s not what you’re doing, but it is certainly something to consider. 

I believe a married person can develop real feelings for someone else. That’s a common human experience. However, the murkiness of these situations and the chaos of them make them generally unhealthy. 

For this situation to transition from an affair to a viable relationship, he would need to leave his marriage and do some major unpacking on the unhealthy dynamics that were present there for 13 years. So what you know about their relationship comes from what he’s told you. But you know as well as I do that one person’s vision of the relationship is not a whole one. 

Even if everything he has told you about his marriage is true, he has a part in this; he’s participated in this unhealthy dynamic with his wife for well over a decade. 

I have said this many times—every relationship I had during my years of active addiction relied on my partner’s codependency. That doesn’t mean they cause my problems, but, on some level, they were drawn to my f*cked-up-ness. You didn’t mention if he is sober or has ever struggled with addiction, but it’s interesting to me that he was drawn to someone who, whether he saw it or not, has struggled with the same issues as his wife. 

You are right when you say that he is attracted to the uncomplicated version he gets of you now. Affairs operate in a bubble, a fantasy; they don’t have to function in a real-world way. That’s part of the appeal! For both of you. I get it; I really do. 

Leaving the mess of his marriage aside, what’s important is what this affair is doing to you. As scared as you are of letting go of him, I think you have to do so. This situation is not good for your sobriety or your mental health. 

As far as this being a waste of time, I wouldn’t dwell on that. Maybe if you walk away, he’ll sort his stuff out, and you can build a relationship from a healthy place. And if not, then you’ll have the opportunity to heal and find someone who IS available. 

Some relationships aren’t meant to last—they may come along to teach us something—and that is just as valuable as the ones that do last. 

What’s important is that you remain honest with yourself about what you were looking for here, knowing that he is married, because it’s better for you to have relationships in the future that are untethered to all of this chaos. Be kind to yourself. I strongly urge you to check in with your support system—friends, therapist, etc. And I hope you have professional care for your mental health. It should be the priority right now. If you don’t, then make that the first step—a psychiatrist and a therapist. You will get through this. I promise. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Chrysoprase, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez