Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I need advice/an opinion from someone who doesn't know me. 

Nine months ago, I found out my partner was cheating on me. 

I decided to forgive him and try to move on because I’d put too much time into the relationship to just throw everything down the drain. Well, it never really occurred to me (and I’m giving myself hell right now) to go get tested for any STDs. Today I found out I have chlamydia. 

I automatically went to him and started arguing with him, telling him about everything he has done and that this time there is actually not going to be a second chance. I know this is curable and everything, but what is bothering me the most is that it’s been so long, and I am so scared to find out that now I won’t be able to have any children. I am about to be 26 years old (in one week). I feel miserable.

I feel like I will never enjoy my birthday ever again because I will always be reminded of this day.

I left my apartment where we both lived because I couldn’t even look him in the face anymore. This hurts a lot because I know we love each other, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him. He stopped messing around after getting caught, so I know it’s from when he was messing around before. 

What should I do? Am I stupid for still loving this man after everything he has put me through?

A. 

First, you are not stupid. Second, as frustrating as it can be, your feelings don't automatically shut off, even if you’re the one ending things. 

In evaluating what this all means for your relationship—whether you move forward or end things, there are two questions you’ll need to answer for yourself.

Can you forgive him? Can you rebuild that trust together? 

Until the doctor’s visit, you felt that you’d be able to forgive him for the infidelity. Understandably, the stakes of his betrayal feel heightened with the chlamydia diagnosis. There is a more tangible consequence of his actions now. 

There are a couple of other points to consider. First, you didn’t mention whether or not you had symptoms that led you to get tested. 

The typical incubation period for chlamydia is one to three weeks, and, in some cases, it can take up to six weeks. So if you were experiencing symptoms, the infection was transmitted sometime in the past six weeks, which doesn’t add up with the end of his affair. 

If you were asymptomatic, you might have had it much longer, even before this relationship (if you were sexually active). Up to 75% of women and 50% of men have no symptoms at all. 

Your boyfriend needs to get tested if he hasn’t already, and he needs to inform the person he had sex with.

Talk to your doctor about your fertility concerns. It will do you no good to stay in the limbo of what-ifs, and only a medical professional can address this. 

Now, as for where this leaves you and your boyfriend, your instinct for some space was a good one. Allow yourself the time to process what happened and discern what you want moving forward. You don’t have to make a decision today. 

It’s okay to be cautious; he jeopardized your physical and emotional well-being, and that’s nothing to take lightly.

You are young, and it’s okay if this is not your person. While I am all for forgiveness, I also know from experience that life is too short to spend time in a relationship where you feel unappreciated, in a relationship with someone who is reckless with your heart and health. 

If you choose to rebuild things, getting some guidance from a therapist would be so helpful. I understand that you feel reluctant to talk to friends about this, but while you take the time to figure things out, lean on your friends. Focus on giving yourself some joy, even in small ways, today. 

Whatever you decide, I promise that you will be able to enjoy your birthday again. This feels huge right now, but as someone with 20 (YIKES) more years of living, I can tell you that even the sharpest wounds become less painful over time. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Rhodizite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez