Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I am an openly gay man. I came out gay a few years ago. 

Now I’m confused about my sexuality, as I am starting to develop feelings for my female friend. 

I am so confused about what to do. What does this mean? Am I bisexual? I feel like my entire identity has been turned upside down. 

Please help!

A. 

Love is complicated. That’s a platitude that is easy to latch on to, but developing feelings, be they love or lust or like or some combination, are nuanced, to be sure. The thing about love and sexuality is that we spend a lot of time overthinking things. What if it’s a lot simpler than that? 

Is it possible to fall in love with someone at odds with one’s sexual orientation? The short answer is yes. 

Sexual orientation is based on sexual desire toward people of particular genders. While they can certainly be connected, that is separate from why or how we fall in love with a person. There is a difference between physical attraction and romantic love. 

You’ve spent your life being physically attracted to men, and this is incongruous with what you’re now feeling for this woman. I understand that there is an added layer of difficulty, especially when you may have fought for your identity. This upends things; it challenges you, and potentially your peers, to expand the concept of who you are. And you are not alone. 

When I was a teenager and young adult, many of my friends identified as bisexual, although they may have had more partners of one gender over another. As we became more involved with allyship and activism, queer culture became the prominent umbrella for anything outside traditional heteronormative concepts of gender identity and sexuality. And I think more and more folks have felt comfortable identifying as queer, above other more limiting labels. 

A while back, I had a conversation with a couple of teenagers about sexuality and gender identity. They told me that many of their friends reject the idea of boxing oneself into any identity in particular. We are moving into an era where there is a broader breadth of identity and sexuality labels. Moreover, many Gen Zers are shedding those labels altogether. 

Is it radical to allow yourself to go where your feelings and attractions take you? 

As I thought about your question, I kept circling back to this guy I dated when I was 17. When he asked me out, I was surprised because I assumed he was gay. And he had been, mostly. We dated for a month or two, but I didn’t take things seriously because I didn’t trust that he might actually have feelings for me. I broke up with him. When he asked me why, I told him that he was gay, that it was okay, and he should be with men, not waste time with me. He was livid. And at the time, I didn’t get it. How close-minded was I to assume I knew what he did or didn’t want, that he couldn’t have feelings for me as a person, outside of my gender? 

I was wrong. It wasn’t my job to declare what his sexual or romantic preferences were, nor was it my job to label them or limit them. I am sorry for how I handled that. We never spoke again. He did go on to primarily date men, maybe only men for all I know, but it wasn’t right for me to box him into any identity or to discount what our relationship meant to him. 

All of this to say, allow yourself the opportunity to feel your feelings because love, I believe, is about the person, the soul inside, not the body, not the shell. 

And that can be true even when your sexual orientation skews in another direction. More and more, folks are embracing pansexuality, which is essentially gender blind sexual, emotional, or romantic attraction. I think it’s quite a beautiful concept. 

The other possibility is that you have fallen in platonic love, which happens more than we admit. Feelings that feel like romantic love can develop for someone we don’t want to be physically intimate with. That emotional intimacy can be as titillating (or, for some, terrifying) as physical intimacy. 

So where do you go from here? Being honest about what you’re feeling, which you’re doing by writing to me, is vital. 

Give yourself the permission to own what you are feeling, regardless of what that means in the long run. 

Maybe you want to explore a relationship with this woman. Maybe you’ll realize you’ve fallen into platonic love. Maybe this is sexual, and you’ll open the door to sex that is not dictated by gender. Whatever conclusion you end on, you will be okay. It is okay to love people, have consensual sex with people, and develop relationships with people, regardless of gender and sexual orientation labels. Give yourself some space to figure this out. You don’t have to commit to being attracted to or having feelings for other women just because you have with this woman.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Carnelian, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez