She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I need your words of wisdom. I don’t know what to do. 

My fiancé and I haven’t gotten along since about three months after we had our first baby together. Life was incredible before pregnancy, of course. LOL. Our love was on fire. We were so happy. We argued or bickered maybe once a month, no joke!!

Now... He has no empathy, no respect, no love, it seems, for me. 

He rarely helps around the house, cusses in front of the kids, disrespects me constantly, and he doesn’t seem just to HEAR me. 

I’ve tried so many things. I want to let him go, but I love him so deeply. He never used to be this way. Now I have so much anger and resentment towards him. I’ve expressed my feelings in so many ways. I’ve read article after article. I can’t afford daycare if he moves out. He keeps packing and unpacking. We don’t want to give up. 

Our son is one. I also have an eight-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. The kids will be so emotionally hurt and confused. I’m a wreck. I have NO family left where we live and no friends that I really talk to. 

I wish I were strong enough to kick him out for good. He needs to remember what he has!!! 

I used to give and give and give, and now I have nothing but anger. 

We just can’t communicate. Both alphas. He’s so prideful, and it makes me sick too. 

The other day he kicked my stuff over in the garage from anger when he was out there cooling off. He made ME pick it up. This is the second time he’s done this. 

He gets so mad when I express my opinions. And sometimes, I drop them or bite my tongue. But sometimes I want to be heard!!! He says I’m the problem! 

Please help. :( 

A. 

Well, as you are aware, there has been a clear breakdown of communication in your relationship, and you both bear responsibility for this. 

It’s not a “you” or “me” problem; it’s a “we” problem. 

Relationships change post-kids. That’s inevitable. And often, those changes are rough. That first year is particularly hard. 

Your sleep has undoubtedly been disrupted. Communication becomes mostly transactional. The spontaneity that once existed becomes nearly impossible to maintain. Childcare responsibilities may feel or be uneven. You have far less alone time, both individually and as a couple. And you are not the same people you were pre-baby (even with an older child from your previous relationship). You may miss who you were or who your partner was, and that may form subconscious resentments. 

Even the best of relationships have an adjustment period after a baby that may be uncomfortable. It has been a long year, but it also has only been a year. 

Now, that doesn’t make what you’ve indicated okay—the cussing in front of the kids, the lack of respect, the outbursts of anger. However, I do think this is fixable. My first suggestion is that you look into marriage counseling. If that is not an option financially, I highly suggest that you both read Nonviolent Communication (A Language of Life). As someone who was dysfunctional at best in relationships, toxic at worst, I found this book really helpful. Although I have always been a “good communicator,” my communication skills were mostly built upon how I wanted people to perceive me, rather than who I was or how I actually felt. Another low-cost project the two of you could try is reading the book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. There is also an accompanying workbook. So how do you get him to go along with this?

Approach him from a place of stating love and possible solutions rather than rehashing the problem. 

Make a list of all the reasons you fell in love with him, what you miss about how your relationship used to be, what you miss about how you used to be. In my experience, when we move tough conversations away from finger-pointing and instead focusing on what we love and want, the results are far better. 

Now, one caveat to all this. The garage incident is a small red flag. I don’t know how big the incident was, but the one concern is if his angry outbursts and shows of disrespect are escalating. If they are, we have a different scenario altogether. I know you are concerned about how a split would negatively impact the kids. 

But there is something more damaging than a breakup—showing your children that this is what love looks like, that this is what a relationship looks like. 

At the end of your email, you said you want to be heard. This is likely what he wants, too. What you need now is some help learning new ways of listening to each other and clearly communicating your needs and feelings in a language you can both understand. I truly hope you are open to exploring that together, either with a therapist or some book-guided exploration. And again, should things escalate, become emotionally or physically violent, then we need to have a new conversation. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Cryolite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez