She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hey Erin, 

I hope you can help. 

My wife blames me for her brother’s death. 

After a decade of battling substance abuse, her brother died three weeks ago from overdose complications.

For about a year prior to his death, her brother lived with us. After becoming homeless and living in his car, we allowed him to come to stay with us, as he stated he was clean and really needed a safe place. 

We set the ground rules. He would attend counseling and medical appointments to help him stay clean (we paid for everything), and he would let us know if he was slipping, and we would do everything to help. He had lived with us two times previously, and we were able to help him get straightened out and back on his own. I figured we could do it again. 

We started to notice a change in his attitude after a few months of living with us the third time. After nearly attacking me, he admitted he was using again and stated he wanted to go to rehab. We found a private place and checked him in. After three days, he came home, saying the doctors weren’t helping him, and he’d stay clean on his own. I later found out from my wife that he stated he didn’t want to stop using, walked out against medical advice, and that a judge had tried to get an order of stay. 

In the fall, he had his first overdose. 

I was out with my friends, and my wife called me. She was hysterical. Thankfully, we were able to get an ambulance in time. 

After the scare, we had another talk with my brother-in-law. We explained we loved him and wanted him to get better but that this couldn’t continue. He swore he’d do better this time and recommitted to therapy, medical appointments, and rehab. We even offered to set up family therapy via zoom for all of us. 

He did well for about a week. Then we noticed him being off again. He swore nothing was going on, and my wife didn’t want to push it. 

In the spring, another binge, and another instance where he almost attacked me, when I said we were calling an ambulance, as he needed medical care again. 

After that, I told my wife that I needed to stay with family for a while, as I couldn’t keep dealing with that rollercoaster. I have a very stressful job and have my own trauma from the past that his behavior would trigger. I’ve had therapy, but living with a constant trigger is hard. 

My wife became upset and kicked her brother out. I didn’t tell her to kick him out. I just didn’t stop her. Now, after his death, she blames me. 

My wife says if we had kept her brother in our home, and if I had gone to therapy for my issues, he would still be alive. 

Now she has become very cold, angry, and generally mean to me, and I’m starting to doubt myself. He wasn’t homeless when he left our house, but he went back to a home where he was enabled by his former partner. 

Erin, did I make a mistake?

A. 

It is excruciating to lose a loved one. When you lose someone to addiction, your grieving process is further complicated by the stigma around addiction. Your wife is grieving, and that blame is a part of her process. 

There are five general stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It sounds like your wife is in the anger stage. Anger is an active emotion. It needs to go somewhere, and for now, it’s being funneled into blame. 

Blaming is a coping mechanism. 

Blaming you is a way for your wife to deal with that anger. She will, at some point, move past that anger. This is still so fresh; it’s only been three weeks. There are things you can do to help her, as well as yourself, deal with the aftermath of his death. Because sometimes, folks get stuck in cycles of anger and blame, and that’s not good for anyone. Sometimes people hold on to anger and blame because it’s all they have left of the person they lost. 

The best way to support your wife through the grieving process is to listen, stay as neutral as possible right now, and guide her toward accessing professional help. 

Please, please, please don’t go through this without outside help. Many therapists specialize in bereavement counseling. It would benefit you both individually and your marriage to have guidance in sorting through the loss, guilt, anger, confusion, and helplessness in not having been able to save him. 

In addition to private therapy, support groups can be extremely comforting in the aftermath of loss. There are many options available, online and in person. Some are peer-led, and some are led by clinicians. In my search, I found several that are free. I am happy to direct you to one in your area. 

Allow space for your grief, too.

You are experiencing grief and loss alongside your wife. There is an opportunity here for the two of you to connect and walk through the grief together. You mentioned that you’d had therapy before to deal with past trauma. Your brother-in-law's death is also a trauma, and you shouldn’t forgo tending to your mental health either. 

It’s not your fault that he died. It’s not your wife’s fault. And it’s not his former partner’s fault, either. 

Your brother-in-law died because of addiction. Full stop. 

Addiction is not a moral failing; it is a health issue. It can be baffling and overwhelming and frustrating and devastating. Yet, underneath all that, underneath the drugs and heartbreak, are the human beings who were in pain, human beings we loved. We remember that despite their endings, their lives mattered. 

We honor those who die from addiction by talking about it, by smashing that stigma, by saying fuck shame, by making other people who struggle feel less alone. 

We honor them by living. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Lapis Lazuli, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO