She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I am dreading Thanksgiving. 

I really have no excuses not to go as my family lives an hour away by car. However, I do want to see my grandparents who will be there. I guess the real problem is with my parents and my sisters. Specifically my mother and my sisters. My dad stays out of all of our drama. 

Basically, every family gathering involves diet talk between my mother and sisters. 

My mom has been on a diet for as long as I can remember. She is petite and, from where I sit, does not need to ever be on a diet. My older sister, in my opinion, has an eating disorder or at least disordered eating. 

My little sister is fat (that’s how she describes herself) and seems to be happy with her body but this totally fucked up dynamic happens, where my mom and older sister inevitably stage “an intervention” on my younger sister about her weight. 

As the middle sister, I feel like I am always put in the position of peacekeeper, running interference for my little sister and then arguing with my mom and older sister.

Oh, also, my mom and older sister will always comment on my weight in some way too. They tell me, “You look great. Did you lose weight?” Or if I look bigger, my mom will pull me aside and say things like, “Maybe watch the appetizers the next few weeks.” WTF. I just want to fucking eat and leave.

I don’t even know exactly what my question is… But, I guess, do you have any suggestions on how to handle this so I make it out of Thanksgiving without murdering my family (I am totally kidding, but you get the sentiment)?

Can I just not go? I mean, I have to go, but how do I go and not feel like I want to pull my hair out the whole time? I do love them all so much, but I am just so sick of it. 

Thank you!

A.

You don’t have to go. 

I know you said you have to go, but you don’t. You are a grownup who is allowed to opt out of toxic situations, even if it means hurting your mom’s feelings. 

If you were to decide to do this, depending on where your family lives, you could arrange a time separate from the holiday to spend with them, individually. However, it might be easier for you to set those boundaries when dealing with them one at a time. Then enjoy the day with friends or go to the movies, or stay in bed and order pizza and chill. 

Now, if you are set on going, you can do things to make the experience a little easier. First, it’s imperative with family to set boundaries. This includes setting boundaries with parents, siblings, and even children. 

It’s totally acceptable to tell them that you aren’t going to talk about diets or weight. You can do it with a smile and change the subject: “Did you read that Bad Art Friend article?” 

Even in the most dysfunctional families, when one family member begins setting boundaries, it changes the dynamics for everyone. Don’t be the peacemaker. Leading by example can have a tremendous influence on those closest to us. 

It’s also okay to walk away from a toxic parent/sibling/cousin/grandparent when they continually bulldoze your boundaries. Leave the room. And I want to tell you something I say again and again to folks. 

Don’t ever apologize for asking someone else to respect your boundary.

I also suggest some basic self-care to people, especially when you’re around family and not at home. For example, since you live an hour away, you can decide what time you will arrive and what time you will leave, letting them know ahead of time to avoid discussion on the day.

Before you get there, tend to your needs. For me, basic self-care is, well, basic—Water, Sleep, Movement, Fuel, Air. So, do yourself a favor by arriving well-hydrated and not starved for food. Allow yourself to sleep in and get the rest you need. Do some sort of movement before you get in the car and some fresh air, too. You can accomplish both by going for a brisk walk in the morning. This may sound overly simplistic, but you tend to let this stuff slide when you are stressed, and showing up having taken care of yourself is the best defense. 

Once you are there, have a plan for self-care on the fly. 

Step outside when you need to and take some deep breaths. Go to the bathroom and let cool water run over your hands for a couple of minutes. Bring a small comfort object with you, a crystal, a stone, a keychain, any small object you can hold in your hand. Lock yourself in the bathroom and watch a couple of TikToks. I find #rollertok (roller skating videos) very relaxing. Pick a person or two beforehand who you can text or call if you need a few words of encouragement. 

Most importantly, if you get there and it’s too stressful, leave.

I am giving you permission to make up an excuse (lie) that you don’t feel well and GTFO. You can confront the situation and tell them why you left later when it’s not feeling so intense and overwhelming. 

I’d also encourage you to speak with your younger sister ahead of time and give her some of these tips or create a united front. But however she decides to handle it, know that you are allowed to exit, stage left. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Atacamite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez