She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I am a 23-year-old woman. 

There is a man I have been emotionally cheating with for a while now.

I met him at the local pub that my partner and I go to regularly. From the first time we met, I remember how we locked eyes, and there was definitely some spark there. If nothing else, there was at least physical attraction.

As the months went on, we would flirt a lot with each other. My partner was there all along, but we would do it discreetly. However, I think there is at least one staff member that knows we have a connection. I should mention this man is the manager of this pub. 

He constantly winked, raised his eyebrows, brushed against me when walking past, ran into me "accidentally," etc. He even gave my dad a free drink one night to give to me. I am not sure if he was just being polite because we are regulars, or was he trying to drop extra hints.

I started really thinking about him a lot, and a couple of months ago I slipped him a note with my phone number. He sent me a text message the next day, and we have been in contact via messages and phone calls ever since. They are very explicit and personal.

Some days, we talk for hours at a time when we can and can send hundreds of messages within a matter of hours!

He has openly told me that he has a girlfriend and has cheated on her in the past, and has also been caught. He told me he wants to pursue something with me but is scared of getting busted and is worried I might open my mouth.

He has made it clear that he won't leave his girlfriend and that everything is happy at home, or at least it appears to be. Sometimes he says we should cool things off, as in the phone calls and messages, and then we start all over again. We hardly go for a few days without contact.

We talk about the time we’d like to spend together and all the sexual things we would like to do to each other.

I have tried to get him out of my head, and I just can't. He has such a strong hold on me, and we haven't even spent any time together outside of his workplace. We talked and decided we were going to catch up in person but never actually arranged anything.

He is very worried about getting caught; he mentions it all the time. Doing this is very out of character as I have always believed cheating on someone is the lowest thing you can do.

I don't want to blame my partner, but he lied to me for the first ten months of our 12-month relationship.

He has two kids and was living with them and his so-called ex-girlfriend when he met me and kept denying it and still does until this day. He has hurt me a lot, and I don't trust him, although he promises me not to lie anymore. He is doing ok with that, but I feel no shame or guilt about what I am doing at all.

Is this normal? 

As I said, this is very out of character for me. I can't get this other man out of my head. I have stopped going to the pub as I just can't bear to see him anymore. It's just too much. All I want is to be in his arms.

Please help with any advice.

Thank you.

A.

While you haven’t physically acted, your relationship with this guy—let’s call him Mr. Pub—has turned sexual in your conversations and texts. You’ve discussed hooking up, what you want to do with each other when you do, etc. 

This is more than an emotional affair. 

That said, it is, as of now, in the realm of fantasy, which is a big part of the reason that it’s hard to shake. Fantasies are always more enticing than reality. Because you fill in the blanks. Because you don’t have to operate with the real-world consequences. Because you are primarily dealing with the idea of someone rather than the IRL someone, who will never be who your mind made them out to be. 

A quick tangent—the idea of spending HOURS on the phone with someone sounds awful. Maybe I am just a very reluctant phone person. But I digress.

There are so many red flags here. 

Mr. Pub has a pattern of cheating. He’s told you this. 

Mr. Pub’s primary concern is not getting caught. Nowhere in there do I hear him being concerned about you or your feelings. On the contrary, he is concerned you will “open your mouth.” 

I do not like any of this. He seems like the type of guy who gets off on getting you all wound up and hooked while simultaneously grooming you to keep your mouth shut. 

Your relationship is also problematic to me. You have only been with your boyfriend for a year, and for 10 out of those 12 months, he’s been deceitful? (Insert palm to forehead.) So it’s no wonder you’re looking outside of your relationship for some validation. But please know, Mr. Pub is not the one. 

My advice? Walk away from both of them. 

They are both liars. You are only 23. You have so much life ahead of you. Don’t tie yourself to either of them. There is no need to waste more time here with the lying boyfriend. And the situation with Mr. Pub will not end well unless you are looking for a no-strings hookup. But I don’t think that’s what you want. You’ve already excommunicated yourself from your neighborhood pub because it’s unbearable. 

Leave them both and move on. I promise you will be so glad you did. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading (also this), what I’m listening to, Variscite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez