She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I need help addressing behaviors with a disabled friend.

I have known my friend for about nine years. We came through a lot of tough times together, and I consider myself very loyal to her. We left the same church, have both experienced intimate partner abuse, and now live in the same apartment complex. 

My friend could be described as awkward with sometimes rude behavior. She was recently unofficially diagnosed with a processing disorder which she has embraced. 

I want to support her by giving good feedback and would hate to ghost her in our friendship, but some of her behaviors have become overwhelming for me. 

Here are a few examples. She often shows up to our home uninvited, helps herself to things in our fridge, has shouting matches with her daughters in our driveway, just generally talks for a long while with difficulty judging others' interest, and makes big or last-minute requests. 

Many of our mutual friends have silently ended their friendship with her, and I would hate to do something like that. I did have a sit-down conversation with her about some of my personal boundaries and preferences. Afterward, she acted very timid and shut down around me, and began to triangulate my housemate, asking if she thought she'd made me "angry." 

How can I support my friend, practice some good communication and boundary-setting, and have fair expectations in the situation? 

Would love any thoughts! 

A.

You are a good friend. I appreciate the way you’ve framed the question and that you are considerate of all facets here. 

Your question reveals the empathy and compassion you have for her and for the fact that her brain works differently than yours. 

So, thank you. As you mentioned, people often just do the slow fade with little to no explanation. As a result, your friend may feel more sensitive to the thought of losing yet another friend. To her, boundaries, especially if they are not super clear, may feel threatening. 

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn't set them. You absolutely should. Having sat down with her to talk about your boundaries is a great start, but you’re going to need to do it again. 

Now, obviously, I am NOT a therapist or a doctor, and speaking to someone knowledgeable about her particular processing disorder would be beneficial. From what I have read, processing disorders can be challenging to diagnose. In addition, they aren’t always classified as “official” disorders, which, I can imagine, makes things even more frustrating for those dealing with them. 

To better understand and offer some helpful advice, I spoke with a friend diagnosed with a type of processing disorder, a non-verbal learning disorder (NLD or NVLD in the U.S.). One thing she stressed is patience. In her experience, those with processing disorders find it very challenging to pick up on cues and tone and often feel confused by where communication is going awry. She suggested reaching out to groups that offer support for folks with that disability. I know these exist on Facebook, and doing a quick Google search, I found local meetups, online support groups, etc. Please email me if you need help finding these resources where you live. 

Start by asking your friend how you can best support her.

She may give you insight into how she best hears things and what she needs from you as a friend. You can then, in turn, let her know that you love her and want her in your life and explain your precise, clear boundaries to her. Make sure you have her full attention when doing so. From what I have been reading, processing disorders can make it very hard to concentrate on what is being said. 

My friend pointed out that you may need to do this repeatedly, and it should be spoken with as much neutrality as possible. She also suggested that writing it out, in the form of a letter, may be helpful. 

It’s apparent from your email that your friend is confused by the boundary setting, as she equates the boundaries with losing the friendship, or that they are an indicator that you are angry with her. As mentioned, she will likely need repetition. Also, of importance is recognition. Validate what her experience is in dealing with the disorder. 

Let her know that you understand that this is difficult for her. 

Showing empathy, not just in words but in actions, creates space for more compassion, for more connection. 

I have neurodivergent friends, and they have improved my communication skills. None of us have identical brains. Being patient, learning to listen to what others need, and making sure we communicate clearly and succinctly—are all valuable no matter who we are communicating with. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Eucryptite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez