She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’m helpless.

I’m a 31-year-old woman, and I have been married for the past eight years now. So I’m just going to cut straight to the point. I feel like a rubbish person. 

My husband makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. 

From morning until evening, he criticizes me about something. It is really mentally putting a strain on me now. 

Today, there was an incident. He was sitting upstairs doing his office work, and I went upstairs. I just thought I’d have a little laugh with him and started teasing him. He kicked me twice on the leg for not listening to him. 

Then, the doorbell rang, and I picked the keys up to open the door. He started coming down the stairs. I said to him, “You go back upstairs and do your work. I’ll open the door.”

He just pushed me so hard on my chest that in anger, I pushed him back, and then he pushed me back even harder. I started crying because I was hurt. I told him, "Don’t you dare do that again." 

His reply was, “I didn’t kick or push you. Stop exaggerating.”

The funny thing is that he is ignoring me and showing me an attitude like I’m at fault because I shouted back at him. 

He has not even acknowledged once or come up to me to say sorry, nothing. He just makes snide comments which I am just ignoring. I even told my mum, and her reply was, “Well, this would have never happened if you just listened to him because you are annoying.” 

I just feel sad and lonely, like no one respects me or even cares about me.

What should I do?

A.

It doesn’t surprise me that you feel helpless. Your husband has designed it that way. That’s how abusers want you to feel—helpless, impotent, like there is no way out of this. I want this to be very clear. 

This is abuse. Full stop. 

The constant criticism and belittlement—that’s emotional abuse. And abusers get away with it for years because they “never laid a hand on you.” Only, now he has. Pushing and kicking you is physical abuse. This wasn’t “playful.” Kicking and pushing are acts of physical violence. He is abusive. 

His behavior smacks of classic gaslighting. He puts you down, gets you to question your worth and your voice by the nonstop digs. Then, he becomes physical and says you’re exaggerating, denies that he did anything. 

Of course, he’s not going to apologize because he wants you to believe this is all in your head. 

Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse. What’s worse is that you lack physical evidence, so it’s quite easy for an abuser to manipulate you into thinking your perception is wrong. He wants you to doubt yourself. 

Emotional abuse is a form of trauma. In addition to feeling hopeless, you may feel shame, confusion, fear, difficulty focusing, and actual physical effects in your body—muscle tension, headaches, stiffness, tremors, insomnia. This is serious. 

Also, let’s talk about your mom. Her response to me is indicative that she is also abusive. There is NO universe in which I would tell my son that his partner belittled him, pushed him, and kicked him because he was annoying. 

Your mother is not a safe person to go to for support. 

Her response made this abundantly clear. 

So what can you do? Based on what you’ve told me, you need to get out. If there are people in your life—friends or family members—you trust, talk to them about what is happening. It would be a good idea to get a safety plan in order. THIS is an excellent place to start. If you’re able to access the guidance of a therapist, that would be so beneficial as you sort through leaving, as well as processing the trauma. If you’d like to email me again, I can send you location-specific resources that may be of assistance as well. 

I want to reiterate that this is an abusive relationship. 

You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I fear that the abuse will likely escalate if you stay. 

For anyone reading this experiencing domestic violence (which includes emotional abuse), please check out the resources and help available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Sunstone, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez