She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hey Erin,

I am a university student, and I've been crushing on this particular lecturer. At first, I thought it would just go away, but the intensity increased. I confessed my feelings to him. He told me he also wanted a sexual relationship with me. 

I couldn't go through with it since he has a wife. I told him that if we had sex, I'd get attached, making him end it.

Do you think he may still want sex with me in the future?

A.

Oh, honey… yes, I think it’s likely he would be interested in sex with you in the future.

But why would you want that? 

It’s clear from your email that you know yourself well enough to know that you’re not after an affair or casual sex with him. What has changed between then and now to make you reconsider? From my experience, what’s changed is that your desire for him is allowing you to ignore what you know to be true. 

I cannot count the times that I have witnessed similar scenarios play out—when one person twists their feelings into a pretzel to accommodate getting attention and affection from someone. And usually, what they feel for that person is projected, a fantasy of who they think their crush is, rather than who they are. 

These situations never end well. 

I am all for casual, consensual sex—if that’s what you’re looking for. But you know that you are not. At least, not with this person. And it’s like that sometimes. We know there are certain people we could be “no strings attached” with, and there are those with whom we know we cannot. 

When my husband and I were first dating, he had been seeing someone casually. A week in, I told him that I knew it was early on, but I couldn’t be casual with him. I knew what I felt, and I wasn’t going to pretend that I didn’t care where things were heading. I acknowledged that I understood if he was not in the same headspace, that he may not have been ready to be monogamous so quickly. But I had to honor what I knew about myself, what I knew to be true in this particular situation. 

Honor your truth. 

Your truth is that you know you would get attached. Your truth is that you would likely ask him to end things with his wife (which he probably will not). Don’t cast doubt on what you know to fulfill what is ultimately a crush. 

I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the power dynamics here, which are likely coloring things. He is in a position of authority as an educator, even though you are both adults. Now, I am not saying that a relationship like this is impossible. Still, it’s problematic, and the only way to undo those problems is by acknowledging them and getting them out into the open. If this were a greenlight situation for you, I would still advise you to proceed with caution. But let’s stay focused on the facts…

The power dynamics are skewed in his favor. He is married and unlikely to leave his wife. You know you would get more attached after sex and want him to leave his wife. You are backtracking and trying to ignore this to still get what you want or what you think you want. 

I promise that letting go of this fantasy now, rather than forcing some version of it to come to fruition, will spare you a lot of heartache. 

Focus on school and hobbies and friends and available potential partners and a future wherein you get what you want and need, not crumbs. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Blue Argonite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez