She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

Here’s the situation. We have been married for 28 years. We have tried adding a third person, tried the threesome, and tried the full swap. I'm not much into all that. My husband craves it.

This seems to be the only thing we argue about. 

He says it's no big deal, that he wants an extra person added to our sex life at least two or three times a month. 

He says that I should be okay with another woman coming over and having sex with him while I'm at work. He says to me, “I don't care if you do it, so you shouldn't care if I do.”

I'm a jealous person, and I don’t want to share my husband. I have given in several times, off and on for 15 years, and let things happen both ways together. I'm just over it. I want it to be just us. He doesn't seem happy for it just to be us. He thinks that after he has worked all week (I work outside the home up to 50 hours a week, myself), he should be rewarded with a threesome or going to a sex party or something.

Is my marriage over if I don't give in to this? 

I feel like I shouldn't have to give in. 

I tried to have a heart to heart conversation with him, to tell him I love him dearly, but I'm just not wanting this kind of relationship anymore. I told him that I want him to be happy, and if it has to be with someone else who has the same interests like that, then maybe he should be with someone else. He blew up and said, “I guess I'm just fucked then because I want to be with you. I guess our relationship will just be the same old same old as everyone else's and boring.”

It was so hurtful for him to say that. 

I have been with him for over half my life, and I’m scared I really didn't/don't know him like I thought I did. 

:-(

What should I do?

A.

I receive so many emails about this—relationships in which one partner wants some variation of an open relationship, and the other does not. There’s nothing inherently wrong with where either of you stands on this issue. There is no moral high ground here. 

No one should be punished for what they need or want in a relationship.

Monogamy may not work for him, and that doesn’t make him a bad person. Likewise, you shouldn’t be punished for not wanting to open up your relationship. You’ve certainly tried. You’ve experimented with non-monogamy, and it doesn’t work for you. He is very clearly saying that he does not want a monogamous relationship. 

So where do you go from here? 

First, I highly recommend that the two of you seek marital counseling. You’ve been together for 28 years. That is a long time. 

You’ve invested enough into this marriage, that it deserves exploring whether or not the two of you can come to common ground here. 

I know you are concerned that not giving in will end your marriage, but he has stated that he wants to be with you. If he wants to be with you, he will need to accept what your boundaries are in this marriage. 

You also mentioned that you are afraid you don’t know him as well as you thought you did, but I think you have known him—who he is and what he’s wanted, which is why you’ve tried to satisfy those desires. Maybe you didn’t want to accept that was really him, really what he wanted. 

You both deserve to be happy and satisfied in your marriage. 

Despite the 28 years and all the love you’ve shared, you may find that you would be happier apart. That’s where the help of a therapist would benefit you. 

Sometimes we need that objective guidance a therapist can provide. Sometimes we need someone to give us permission to stand by what we want. 

Lastly, I want to address your husband’s manipulative language. 

It’s a red flag for me when someone says things like, “Because I feel this way, you should, too.” 

No one, especially not your spouse, should be telling you that you should feel any which way. 

Don’t let this fester any longer. Get some outside help, approach this with honesty and love and acceptance, and make decisions based on what is best for you and your happiness. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Black Onyx, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

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